So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Randomize
