"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
