Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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