The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
