Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
