i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
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buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
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Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize