you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Randomize
