thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
