Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
