I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
