My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
we're so committed to being not committed
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
