The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
My vagina just clenched in fear
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
