I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
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