she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
