part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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