A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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