Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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