You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
