Apparently you make a good broom.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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