I looked at my own cervix.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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