Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Randomize
