Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
