i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
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No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
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Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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