No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
21 Reasons You’ll Be Forever Alone
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.