I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
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Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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