YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
