Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
