If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
