I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize