If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
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I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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