matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore