I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?