i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
