EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
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