i wish my penis had a tongue
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Just invented taco cereal.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
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