A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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