just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
23 Men Confess What Gifts Would Brighten Their Day
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back