How drunk are you??
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
I'm going back tonight
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.