My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
