why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
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I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
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he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
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