Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
