I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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