Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Randomize
