You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
