Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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