My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I love you. Go after that dick
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
