Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
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I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
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