I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
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I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
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Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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