He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
