I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Randomize
