just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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