non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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