my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
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They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
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Did we just second hand smoke crack?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
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